Food

Man Finally Gets Capri Sun Open Using Jackhammer

January 29, 2018

OAHU, HI – After attempting to open his Capri Sun juice pouch with the appended straw for 20 minutes until it bent and broke, Billy Bartle resorted to using an industrial grade demolition jackhammer to […]

Local

Fruit Salad Remains Untouched at BBQ

January 27, 2018

PLANO, TX – Guests at “Burgers by Burglars”, a community service event where local felons serve hamburgers to young children and their families, reported that while the patties, mustard, pop, and other food went pretty […]

Money

Waffle House Open During Nuclear War

June 26, 2017

NORTH CAROLINA – The 24-hour breakfast food chain Waffle House has decided not to close its doors during the latest nuclear war between Russia and the United States. When asked about the controversial decision, restaurant manager Wally […]

Science & Tech

Earth Quarantined from Rest of Universe

June 22, 2017

MILKY WAY GALAXY – In a unanimous decision among the other planets, Earth will be placed in isolation from the rest of the Solar System. “Earth has had an infestation problem the last two-and-a-half million […]

Opium poppy seeping opium sap
World

Opium Poppy Sad Its Tears Are Illegal

February 22, 2017

GOSTAN VALLEY, AF – Earlier this week, Polly the Opium Poppy was crying sappy tears about how she couldn’t immigrate to America because the opium in her tears are a controlled substance. “I can’t help it that […]

a lot of Brussels sprouts and nothing else
Health

Research Suggests Brussels Sprouts Still Gross

February 15, 2017

BRUSSELS, BE – New research findings from Katholieke Universiteit Leuven suggest that Brussels Sprouts are still gross. The data also shows an inverse correlation between number of Brussels sprouts served for dinner and number of friends […]

Credit card being placed into a Macbook
Science & Tech

Macbook Pro 2017 to Have Chip Reader as Only Input

February 1, 2017

CUPERTINO, CA – The controversial decision to remove everything useful on the 2016 Macbook Pro has continued with the 2017 update. Leaked documents by an Apple insider appear to show that the next Macbook will ditch […]

brown, white, and dark grey cat outside on a wooden railing
Local

Cat Unimpressed With New Dry Food

January 18, 2017

PORTLAND, OR – On the morning of January 18, 2017, Graham Cracker the cat rose from his slumber and did his usual morning walk to the food bowl. However, this was anything but a normal morning […]

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